By James Maina
What to say about James…? What does one say of someone who so nearly became their in law? Ah, yes. James is a hilarious guy. But none of his jokes come close to the one he makes in this article; it goes something like ‘my love life’.
God hates me, or so I think.
After evaluating my life and carrying out a serious audit on my love, finance and social accounts, this was the only logical conclusion I could come up with. I know that He assures us of equal and everlasting love in one of the verses of the Good Book, but I am not buying any of that. Before that blameless Christian casts the first stone (which the bible prohibits anyway), at least give me a chance to present my case.
In the recent past our country has struggled with the menace of tribalism, but thank God it is now past us. However, it is not holiday yet, our ethnic groups have been replaced by two social tribes; team light skin and team dark skin. Unlike the good old days where our ethnic groups would fight on the streets, especially after the announcement of presidential elections, the current tribal battles are fought on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. The winner is determined by the number of retweets and likes on semi- nude photos posted on the aforementioned sites.
If the recent polls are anything to go by, team light skin carries the day. As one of the top management official in the team dark skin camp, I have conceded defeat wholeheartedly. The sad part is that the ladies in our camp are ditching us for the opponent. At the rate these ladies are bleaching am sure I will have no black lady friend by the end of next year. This brings me to my first argument; how can God love me while He created me with a dark skin? Does He know how it hurts to be on the losing side? Does He have even the slightest ideas how heart breaking it is to get less than 10 likes on a photo one spent several hours editing and filtering?
And to my next complaint ladies and gentlemen. Last week, God, in collaboration with the Jubilee government decided to make my life a living hell. How else can you explain the recent initiative to ban the selling of second generation brews? All along I have found comfort in wines and spirits pubs, sipping these happiness-inducing drinks (haters will call them killer drinks) while having the most meaningful conversations with my fellow learned friends. You can imagine my level of disappointment after the revoking of the licenses of all these outlets. How does God, or his agents the Jubilee government expect me to live without my Bluemoon? He couldn’t even let me have Moonwalker? Is this not one of the many ways God expresses his hate for me?
Just in case someone somewhere still needs convincing, I will present my love life as Exhibit C. Not that I have any in the first place, and the blame goes solely to………. Yes, you are all right. It is His fault that I am single. Wait, did I hear someone mention that the incoming CBK governor is also single despite his financial and academic status? Well, I don’t know much about him but am sure if he will join me in pinning that blame where it is due. It is God’s fault that ladies love someone who has money (supposedly) or is physically fit (most definitely), while I am constantly being compared to Tecno memory cards. My last chase ended up friend-zoning me despite my best efforts in expressing my love for her. And I know exactly who to blame.
Let me summarize by stating that God does nothing to help me win bets on Sportpesa (now recognized as an official source of income). He allowed Mourinho to sell Chelsea’s long serving goalkeeper and my favorite player in this case, to Arsenal. What hurts more than that?
On my part, let me say that I hold no grudge against the Almighty Father regardless of the wrongs He has done to me. I still love Him and wish Him well in all His endeavors. However, I would appreciate it if He reciprocated my love for Him. Until then, He remains guilty of not giving a damn about my needs or my existence. And because I know He hears our prayers and is eager to make amends, I am going to go ahead and declare a relationship for myself in the near future. Preferably with that last surviving member of team dark skin, the one with the ass. Amen.