THE YEAR OF THE HEART:
By David Kiriinya.
Hoe hoe hoe!! It is the festive season once again, folks. I must say that Santa and his bunch of creative fellas must have thought well to have the hoe part as their refrain. It is even said 3 times to emphasize the message which goes something like “hoe hoe hoe, Santa is back.” I believe this is a clarion call for the concerned parties.
As the year comes to an end, so must the unnecessary athletics that my heart has been subjected to severally. You see, I have come to discover that my heart is the most athletic internal organ in my body, it can skip a beat! This is mainly due to the female species but I will be putting an end to this matter with immediate effect.
This year has been terrible for me when it comes to the intricate matters of the heart, love. By the way, I hold the record for the shortest, most awkward fling that lasted exactly 2 days, 5 hours and 23 minutes .It ended even before it started. Consequently I had one of the longest dry spells in campus while my buddies were hitting the sack faster than you could say Kanyari. Thankfully, the Barclays Premier League and the UEFA Champions League came in handy. This prompted me to revert to the old African saying that says, ‘Kazi ya moyo ni kupump damu, kupenda ni kiherehere yako’. Need I say more?
And to my all the guys, there is someone else to buy her clothes this festive season, yours is simply to take them off.
Finally, from the fortune tellers of Marigat, I have something optimistic to look forward to in the New Year. According to them, the latest 411 from the gods says that a pretty young thing in a short skirt has been sighted on my side sometime in the year. This had better be true because sipendi kubebwa ujinga. Otherwise, we call it a wrap. See you in the New Year with our pens sharper and tongues wittier. Adios!!
THE HORMONAL BITCH:
By Brian Guserwa.
2014 has been a vile, hormonal bitch.
I guess I really shouldn’t complain. I hear there are people who were dumped after 2 days, 5 hours and some change. I also hear there is a family in the heartland of Mumias that mysteriously misplaced the cock they had been fattening since August. I meant chicken, Jemo. So I have no grounds to complain.
I won’t let that stop me though. At some point, this is going to fall back into a bitter rant about that stupid piece of junk I used to think was my laptop and bff, that stabbed me in the back and lost all my data. My music, that is, and some choice, story-driven
porn adult film collection I was saving for the New Year. Be still, my heart.
But about the vile, hormonal bitch.
At some point, she was all coy and indulgent.
In 2014, I found friends that I never knew I would have. I gave up on the mother of my children after an eternity of missed moments. I met a strong applicant for the position. I posted in Swahili. I successfully insulted the unfortunate females in my class. I learned the Meru word for ‘clitoral hood’. I took a photograph, willingly. I joined twitter. I got on first name basis with the hostel janitor. But most importantly, I did not father any children. That I know of.
Then she turned petty and abrasive.
This very year, I lost people I care about. I gained a stubborn glob of fat that settled on the lower plains of my belly and refused to be evicted. I tried to cook ugali. I joined twitter. I was told to piss off by a writer I have looked up to for years. I suffered through another French course. I lost two FIFA games. And then I lost my laptop.
That backstabbing piece of scrap metal did not even have the common decency to warn me. Or get stolen. But I applaud its timing. If I was a stupid laptop looking to pay back two years of loyalty and patience I would wait for the holidays too. I would also target the drive with the music and movies. And then I would refuse to start for no apparent reason.
Really though. Gussprints thanks you for your readership. We promise to try harder and to be better. We pledge to grow our writing team, beginning with a female blogger to counterbalance the sheer maleness of that heartbroken contributor up there. We wish you love in the New Year, and we pray you don’t have to endure dreadful spelling online in 2015.
See you on the other side, people.