A Band By Any Other Name, or ABBAON, or the hottest thing since skinny jeans, is going to be performing live in concert. Fresh from topping the charts in D houses, Moi University (not to mention the loyal following from the scantily dressed residents of Comfort Hostels), ABBAON is bringing its revolutionary sound to a live audience.
But first, a few updates.
The management has not changed. At the head of this thousand dollar band remains the brilliant and dare I say rather handsome founder and leader extraordinaire. Me, that is. I cannot say for sure, but my exceptional genius is probably to blame for the two chart toppers we have put out. There is also the lawsuit we meant to pursue against Elani and H_art the band, on the grounds of stealing our thunder.
The lineup has shifted somewhat, however. Our lead singer, if you recall, was supposed to be Shirley, my distant cousin a few times removed. It turned out, however, that her skill does not extend beyond squealing in the shower, and obliterating original versions of gospel songs. Tragically, we had to let her go, of course after repeated assurances that she will always be considered an honorary member (insert evil sarcastic laugh here).
The new lead singer, therefore, is my close friend and occasional sidekick, James ‘Baby-face’ Maina, who has displayed a stunning vocal range while singing mugithi classics. His rendition of Kirk Franklin’s ‘Stomp’ still brings tears to my eyes. It is our fervent hope that this level of skill can be transferred to the more typical pop records we will be churning out presently. Also, if we can work around his tendency to deviate from whichever song he happens to be singing and delve into the akorino version currently being sung in Murang’a; we will have a real star on our hands. You mark my words, sir.
My lead guitarist, the roommate (Dan, of the legendary pot belly and greying hair) has learnt a few more chords, I am thrilled to report. His handling of the instrument (the guitar, you filthy pervert) is quite impressive, actually. After a few choice insults, he took it upon himself to learn to hold the damn thing properly, and can now successfully serenade a group of ladies with classic ballads. It may have been his recent dumping and subsequent bitchlessness that sharpened his skill, but who’s keeping score?
And then there is my other friend Ian, the budding drum legend, who we managed to sign for an undisclosed fee. Ian has the added advantage of looking like a rock-star; with his trademark afro and his Gothic wristbands. We are currently in negotiations about getting him sleeve tattoos.
It is indeed tragic that the other gender is not as well represented as one would hope. This is an unlucky coincidence, but we have decided to counter this by allowing band members to show up to practices and performances with their significant others. This includes, but is not limited to, girlfriends, escapees from the friend zone, prospects, ‘just friends’, crushes, side chicks and second girlfriends, recently reinstated exes, beneficial friends, and (God forbid), wives. This way, the band cannot be accused of gender insensitivity, and will boast a healthy level of estrogen to liven up proceedings.
Is it any surprise, then, that our club anthem ‘Manzi wa School of Arts’ has been ruling the airwaves for this long? We hear it is a favorite among drunks staggering home from a busy night.
So hold on to your weaves, ladies. This weekend, ABBAON is coming to you.
The event, billed as the live event of the semester, will be held on the grassy plains of the University Graduation square. This is on account of our heartened attempts to gain permission to use the Students Centre having all been met with stoic rejection. I think the Students Centre will be hosting a certain sports event that no one ever watches. More power to them.
Sound check will be at 9 p.m. Oh, and if anyone knows that Zungu character, please let him know we need to borrow his speakers.
I started a band, people. And this Saturday, while we are basking in the warm glow of fan adoration and watching female undergarments raining down on us, I will stop and savour the moment. Because the next stop will be the award shows.