perversion 101: how to be a pervert

Hello, fellow pervert, and welcome to Perversion 101.
You may have noticed I addressed you as a fellow pervert. Yes, you are. You see, by virtue of being human, and male, you are, to some degree, a natural pervert. Call it an evolutionary gift. But if you are taking this course, then you aspire to greatness in the well-travelled road that leads to debauchery. Walk with me.

STEP ONE: The lewd grin:

Any self-respecting pervert will tell you that the lewd grin is an invaluable tool. You see, without this grin it would be difficult to pull off the primary pervert state; grinning inappropriately after something completely innocent has been said. Also, you must practice and perfect ‘the suggestive wink’, ‘the suggestive cough’, and basically all manner of suggestive bodily motions.

Further, you must learn subtlety. This will work in your defense in case you have to rapidly deny any accusations that result from your chosen suggestive facial tic. Accusations in the vein of “You filthy bastard!” must be countered promptly with “I don’t know what you mean”.

We face much persecution, especially from religious fanatics.

Practice the lewd grin; allow a mad glint to creep into your eyes, then smile, slightly, letting only one corner of your mouth twitch upwards, until the nice lady next to you reaches unconsciously for her pepper spray.

STEP TWO: Sharpen thy wit:

This goes without saying. The aspiring pervert must sharpen his wit to the finest degree possible. He must be ready, at a moment’s notice, to pounce on an unsuspecting audience with that depravity that comes naturally to him. Thus goes our mantra: everything has a sexual connotation. To this end, you must consume a substantial amount of popular cultural references. Naturally, this means that your understanding of language must be unrivalled. If well mastered, this step allows the pervert such a command of language, tone and insinuation that he can literally read out a menu and make it sexual.

An essential facet of this entails knowing your heroes. The greats, that is. Legends whose names we must not take in vain. Steven Stiffler. Barney Stinson. Howard Wolowitz. Austin Powers. P Unit…

Learn their work, young student, and your path shall be enlightened.

STEP THREE: The Kamasutra:

This is all about your encyclopedic knowledge of all things sexual. The knowledge may be theoretical or practical. Quite simply, you have to walk the talk. You see, once you have communicated to a captive room that you are a pervert, the daring female will approach you and demand a sample of your knowledge. Your response must be a swift, “Right this way, gorgeous”. And then you must tie her up and plunder her silly as you had been implying you would.

STEP FOUR: The Quiz:

And now we must test your retention. Answer to the best of your ability:

Question 1: Explain how the following statements are sexual (6mks):

1. I need wood if I am to start this fire.
2. Let me get out of these clothes, I am dripping wet.
3. Do you have a smaller club? I can’t wrap my hand around this one.

Question 2: With illustrations, break down the positions mentioned in this speech from New Girl (14mks):

“I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half up and half down, and the wiggly one and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What’s for lunch, and the Give Me That Hat.”

Question 3: Sautisol’s video Nishike has no actual sexual implications. Discuss (10mks).

P.S; HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVA. FINALLY APPROACHING MARRIAGEABLE AGE?

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