Intercepted document, obtained at great personal peril.
CUPID DIES AT 600:
Cupid, the most famous icon in the world of love, has passed. The winged purveyor of affection was yesterday found dead in his mansion on Cloud 10. While it must seem strange that he died on the eve of Valentine’s Day, it seems somewhat befitting that his death occurred around his favourite time of the year.
The blogosphere is rife with speculations as to cause of death, given that the body was found naked, beside his famous golden bow and an empty bottle of Viagra. The Cupid Police Department has issued a statement dissuading the rumours, but they were circumspect about the details of the autopsy. They were also adamant that they were not, in fact, looking for an unidentified blonde with a well distended rear who had supposedly been seen leaving the premises. Still, knowing Cupid as we all did, and given his well-publicized remarks that there was no better way to go than with love in one’s heart and an ample bottom in their hands, there is little doubt what the man’s last act was.
Attention now turns, naturally, to the question of succession, with many voicing concerns that the human world may fall into disarray. An interim cupid has been appointed, but the public feeling is that love may never be the same again.
The City of Love Mayor Honest Sentiment has declared a full month of mourning, in which the citizens will parade nude and perform random intimate acts with strangers, in celebration of the life of a man who made it his mission to bring a little more love into the world.