Niaje niaje watu nguya? Itakuwaje? Ni mimi hapa yule blogger wenu baba yao. Msishangae form ni gani leo nabonga Sheng’ nikiwa-address directly hivi. Ni ati fans wa me wengine wanadai niko distant sana; yaani hawafeel ile intimacy wakichambua blog. Msikonde, nimewaskia. Juu ya hio story article ya leo ni dedication kwenu wazito. Mmenijenga siku mingi; lazima niwashugulikie. Alafu kuna wale wabaya wanateta ati mangoso-ngoso mingi zinawatia njeve kusoma blog. Hii ni yenu manze. Leo sina story bana. Nilitaka tu kuwachapia ati mkae rada kuna article flani hatata inakam. Mnakumbuka ile story ya ule msupa huwa amenimada? The mother of my children? Season finale iko works watu nguyaz. Najua mmelia sana story za consistency, ati nimewaweka parking siku mingi. Mkuwe wapole kiasi jo, article zinakam ni noma mbaya. Finally manze kwa mafans wote, nasema thanks for kushinda mmesoma work yangu. Ka-fame kakiikiingia sitawakulia vako walai. Fiti? Pamoja watu nguyaz.
Mnaeza achia kusoma hapa. Hizo za chini ni ma-translation za mababi na walami-walami hivi. Na wale madem watiaji hujipeleka ‘Tujuane’. Si unajua, hawa wasee wa tao hawananga form. Baadaye jo.
THE DIRECT TRANSLATION (THE KENYAN TEEN TRANSLATION):
How is it, how is it my people? How will it be? Your blogger here; the father of them all. Don’t wonder which is the form today I’m addressing you directly and in Sheng’. It’s because some fans claim I’m too distant, that the blog isn’t intimate enough. Don’t grow thin, I hear you. On top of that story today’s article is dedicated to you, the heavy ones. You have built me for long, I must sort you out. Also, some other fans, the bad ones, claim that this English-English makes them get cold to read the blog. This one’s for you. I don’t have much to say today; I just wanted to beat for you to sit alertly, as there is a hot article on the way. You remember the story about the chick that has finished me? The mother of my children? The season finale is in the works my persons. I know you have cried about consistency issues, claiming I put you in parking mode too often. Be polite a bit longer; awesome articles are on the way. Finally, thanks to the fans for staying reading my work. When the fame kicks in I won’t eat for you lies, I swear. Cool? Together my persons.
THE INTELLECTUAL TRANSLATION (THE WHITE PEOPLE TRANSLATION):
(Also, coincidentally, the Luo people translation)
Hi. Yours truly here. In a rare moment of fleeting sentimentalism, I experienced the undeniable compulsion to break the fourth wall and address in my most earnest tones this unbelievably loyal audience that I have managed to reach. I am particularly concerned that a select portion of my audience feels marginalized by what they term ‘unnecessarily complex vocabulary’ present in the blog. Similarly disturbing is the assertion that the blog writer constantly fails to create an intimate and interactive environment in the vein of improving the experience of his readers. These concerns are duly acknowledged. More importantly, however, I wish to thank sincerely those who have stuck with Gussprints this long, and to assure them that they will be rewarded, first with the latest installment of ‘The Mother of My Children’ (coming to a smartphone or computer near you soon) and then with a continued dedication to well written stories.
THE LAZY PEOPLE TRANSLATION (THE COOL TRANSLATION):
So, like, you bitches should, like, tot’s watch this space. Like, totally. L.O.L. Smiley face with, like, a double chin. Mwaa!!