advice columnist; a day in the life

SAMPLES:
Dear Uncle Ed/Aunt Susan,

There is a girl I like in my class. She is very pretty, and almost all the guys in class want to go out with her. Sometimes she catches me staring at her and she smiles. I think she likes me too. I can’t think of anything else, and it’s affecting my concentration. What can I do?
-Allan

I am 19 years old and I just started college. I got admitted to a campus in Nairobi, which is very far from home. Back home, I have a boyfriend who I love very much. But ever since I joined campus, I have met a different guy and I think I am falling for him. He is in my class and I think he is a better fit for me. We recently got intimate and I think I want to be with him. How do I break it to my boyfriend back home?
-Confused

I am a 30 year old man married to the love of his life. My wife is perfect except for one thing. She is terrible in bed. She was a virgin when I married her, so I understand her inexperience. But I somehow expected her to get better with time. But she didn’t. I was okay with it at the beginning but it has become such a big problem that I am honestly considering seeking comfort elsewhere. Help!!
-Phillip

Please don’t reveal my identity. I am 24, and I have been carrying on a relationship with my sister’s husband. I began living with them after high school. When her husband first approached me I turned him away. But between loneliness and genuine attraction, I eventually gave in. Now I think I am in love with him. I get jealous whenever he does anything for my sister, because I know he would rather be doing it for me. The other day I found out I was pregnant with his child. What can I do to make him leave my sister for me?
-Ruth

I have a bit of a personal problem. I am 16 years old, and I still wet my bed. I have done everything I could think of, but nothing works. This has cost me most of my self esteem, and earned me several unpleasant nicknames from classmates. How can I combat this situation?
-Anon

***

Dear Anon, Ruth, Phillip, Confused (lovely name, by the way) and Allan;
While I have no doubt as to the conviction that you and only you ever go through problems, and that your problems can make everyone else’s problems blush, I am appalled at the apparent selfishness. The hardest lesson we ever learn is that of our own insignificance. That the world is bigger than any one man. Look with me at the world around us, and perhaps you will adopt my perspective. Somewhere within the country, a family of twelve has been left homeless after the destruction of their shack by the same government sworn to serve them. A mother elsewhere has been forced to kill her child rather than watch him starve. An innocent youth got beaten up to within an inch of his life; a young girl attempted to make a living from prostitution and ended up pregnant and with an assortment of venereal diseases.

The world wallows in strife and calamity; more people die every day than are born, and life gets harder and harder. The point, simply, is that there are people with actual problems in the world. It’s vital that we understand this.

Not to belittle your problems, however.

Allan, son, have you tried stalking her on Facebook? I hear it’s very effective. And about your attention span, are you familiar with the concept of failing your exams?

Confused, may I interest you in a novel I am writing? I am still working on a title, but I am leaning towards ‘I have looked in the mirror, and the devil looked back; A cheater’s Companion’.

Phillip, I feel for you, really, I do. No one ever tells you just how tricky for better or for worse is, do they? Just one question: how did you get so good yourself?

Ruth, I admire your imagination. I know a Nigerian movie that would be perfect for you. Huge fan.

Anon, I hear Pampers is taking big steps these days. Any interest?

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One thought on “advice columnist; a day in the life

  1. enyewe you are such a callous ass….assin….sarcasm shld have been ua second name.btw have i ever told u your second name sounds like a local mboga from webuye….just saying…good stuff man

    Liked by 1 person

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